To do list

Be unselfish
Try to think of others daily. Consider what your actions, thoughts, wants, will do to your kids and wife.
Do for your wife and expect nothing. If you expect your wife to return a favor or compliment your actions, this is selfish. Do for your wife because you love her and she deserves it always. Communicate all financial decisions with your wife.
Be a Father
Meet all needs of your children. Play with your kids. Discipline your kids. Make sure the children respect their mother. Take the kids to new places. Provide for the needs.
Be a husband
Be the man she needs you to be. Listen and don't try to fix everything. Compliment her in a way that shows you mean it. Sacrifice for her needs. Take her places. Leave your comfort zone. Take care of your body and dress nice. Uncover her goals and help her achieve them. Give her space. Trust her and let her go.
Home
Make your home a home with less stress daily. Clean and unclutter. Finish each project one at a time and move quickly to the next. Work hard every day to make your home a little nicer for your family.

Please don't forget

As a man I know I can improve so much as a father and a husband. I know how mean, disrespectful, and selfish I can be. Over the last few weeks I have seen who I am and who I want to be. I worry now that I will slip. I must keep focus and make new ways habit. Some people think people don't change. I don't like this. I think if you practice something enough it becomes habit and then normal. I must remember how selfish I can be. I must understand to be patient with my wife and kids. I must give my wife space, perfect trust, and love that fits her needs. I must take care of my household, be a leader for my family, and every now and then put my foot down when needed. I must communicate with my wife, listen carefully, and not try to fix her problems. I must be mysterious, fun, and not afraid to break out of my comfort zones. I must keep my short term and long term goals in mind daily. I must lead our family in our finances and share these decisions with my wife. Most of all we must celebrate our successes and remember our blessings.

Self Esteem

Self esteem comes from within. If you have low self esteem relationships can be a tricky thing. You may think you bring nothing to the relationship or are a poor spouse, father, or mother.
For my wife early on in our marriage I destroyed her self esteem. By looking at other woman online in pornography it made my wife feel inadequate. Man that was the dumbest mistake ever. I love my wife very
much. My wife is very beautiful. Her hair is wonderful long or short. She looks amazing with highlights in her hair. Her eyes see right through me. Her body drives me crazy and I love to watch her get ready to go somewhere. I love watching her try on new clothes for me. She takes my breath away. She has amazing legs and her smile is so sweet. I know these things in my heart, but cannot get her to believe me because of the beauty of other woman. Other woman wear caked on make up, my wife needs very little. Other woman may pretty, but they are not my wife. I just want her in my life. I want to experience new things with her. I want to break out of my comfort zone and do something amazing with her. I want to go after our goals with gazelle intensity. I want to raise our kids together. I want to make her dreams come true. I want to move to a more cultured city. Most of all I want her to want me back so I could do these things with her. I want her to know I'm sorry and know I love her and know she is so amazing and beautiful.

I understand now

The wife and I have decided to mutually separate. It is incredibly difficult, but part of it. She will move out and go try to find herself. I will learn not to need her and be a best friend, father and a new man. I think their is still a little hope for us and I think she still loves me down deep. She just is miserable around me. I smother her with kindness. So I'm so happy we understand each other. I'm so sad for the kids. I'm going to love her and be her friend. I will be respectful of her decision and praise her in front of our children.
Maybe one day she will find herself and happiness. Maybe I can be strong without her. Maybe then we can meet again and start over. Only time will tell.

I tried.

In the end you can love someone all you want. If they don't love you their is not a damn thing you can do. We agreed to seperate and be friends. I can't believe it. For her to be happy I must let her go. I think its the hardest thing I've ever had to consider. But I know in my heart its the right thing. I hate it for the kids most of all. Its going to break their hearts. It killsme think about that empty house with no wife and no kids. For all you other husbands out there. Don't wait. If you do your wife will be gone before you know it.

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No longer the first thought.

Today my wife was getting her hair done. I met her with the kids. I could tell she did not want me there. Or maybe Im reading in to it to much. When the stylish came over she introduced our daughter. Then son. Then she said are we ready and walked off. For the first time ever she didn't introduce me. I felt more a lone than ever. Maybe it was just a once over. Maybe she just forgot. On the otherhand I wonder if she thought about it and didn't want her to know were married. Maybe she is embarrassed of me. Or maybe I think too much. Good thing I can say these things on here. She knows about the blog, but I bet she never reads it. You have to care first, right.

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Empty

All I want is a simple I missed you. Thanks for trying so hard. Hey I'm having a time with this, and need my space, but I want you too know I'm thinking about you and will get with you after work, stress, kids, life, is all sorted a bit. Sure it's only been a week. I've got a long ways to go. If I got a text today that said something like hey was thinking about you, later. OMG. That's all I need. Or when you get home say hi and kiss me on the cheek and say your my guy. Wow Id do anything to here her claim me as hers. I know I'm the asshole here, and well I deserve all this pain, but damn its getting heavy.

I guess real men are not sensitive to these issues. Man, women got us on shells. They want us to be manly and take charge. Then loving, oops to loving now your needy. lol If I clean up the house or fix that or help with kids. Now I'm out doing her, or I'm only doing it cause I'm in trouble or want sex. News flash I'm not some raging horny 18 year old anymore. Sure I love sex, but It's not on my mind all the time. Maybe I just want to freaking help out cause you work two jobs and have a lot on your plate. If you want to make it up to me, then just grab me, kiss me like I like to be kissed and say your my man. Thanks for the help. I'm not gonna jump your bones so calm down. Hell even I can learn new tricks.

Please women learn how to communicate with your husband. It doesn't take a lot to show you care.

Needy and Insecure

Man it just keeps getting worse. Funny thing is when I write the blogs I feel better and tend to squash the negative thoughts. So as you know I have real issues. My wife says I'm needy and Insecure. Man is she right. I'm a little bitch. LQTM. It's simple. Everything is good until its not. Then I act so lame. Instead of being positive and leading through issues, I wine like a child. Some examples are in order.
Have you thought about us lately. Tell me about it. Lol what a dumb effin question. If she was honest she'd say, well your a bitch and I want out. Instead I should have said something like...
Man I'm beat, I'm going to bed. Goodnight. Then when I start thinking in my mind I'd just turn that crap off like a TV and go to sleep. I mean it's so funny. It's natural in our current condition for me to be insecure. I mean she is very unhappy and that makes it impossible for her to show love that would give me confidence. Instead I'm running around thinking in my mind she must be in love with someone else cause she doesn't show me any love. Jesus Christ. It may be that she loves someone else. It may be over. but for gods sake take it like a man. I'm going to finish this post and go to bed. I'm not going to think about this shit anymore. I'm a good looking guy, I'm not overweight. I can be funny. I dress nice. and I'm now working in a successful career. I should have every confidence I can be equal to my woman. So I'm not going to wine. I'm not going ask her any bitch questions about our relationship. If she wants to talk about it I'm sure she'll get to it. I'm gonna go to work. Raise kids and be the best husband I can. besides I'm twice the fucking man she thinks she likes.

Selfish

I asked my wife to tell me the most negative thing about me. Selfishness. I always think, well I haven't bought anything in months. But if I look at overall cost and time spent away from family... yep Im one selfish jerk. My wife has nothing. Besides a new car(must have) and laptop(for work). Yea IM a real jerk. Sell the motorcycle, the scooter, mt bike, road bike, game console, games. Yep I could finish the kitchen easy.
Next, I love cycling. I love training and mt bike racing. It takes a lot of time to train and go to events. It also can cost a bit of money over a years time. Occasionally she goes a long. But then she has to watch kids while I have fun.
Action plan. No more toys. I have enough for a life time and hope that I can sell a few. Cycling. Is good for my health and racing makes me happy. I plan to cut the amount of events in half. Do only the events close to home and not pressure her to go.
I need be more caring and giving to my family. I need to squash my needs and put my kids and wife first. Then and only then I will be a better man.

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A week later

It's been one week since my wife destroyed me. I'm boring, lame, selfish, and all round jerk. One week later she is talking to me, but I can tell you she is simply tolerating a father in the house. I screwed up last night and made a rude comment about her mother. Man that was dumb. Note to self, mother in law really is awesome and we should focus on that. I know she gets all the venting from the wife and knows all my negative attributes. So she pretty much hates me for the way I have treated her daughter. I get it and don't blame her. I don't care. She is an awesome grandmother, and a great friend to her daughter. I'm just going love her to death and if she never likes me again that's okay. I don't need her love. Besides I'm a bit more interested in her daughters love so lets get back to that shall we. So were talking. I'm focusing on listening and not trying to fix everything. I'm trying to take care of my share of the family responsibilities and I'm trying hard to think of others first. My wife has not said a nice thing about me in years. LQTM. I'm not saying I deserve a compliment. But if she focused on one positive thing about me I know I could be so much better with a little love from her. I hugged her this morning and I could just tell it was a burden on her or maybe she was late and just really wanted to leave. But dammit I wanted that hug cause she drives an hour to work and who knows it could be my last. Gonna take her to a concert tonight and I hope she has fun with her boring husband. If she can just look past some of my negative past she might see the man I'm trying to become. Heck maybe she could even help a bit with some kind words, appreciation, and advice.

A foot message

Call me one creepy dude if you will, but I messaged my wives feet tonight and loved it more than her. See I'm one of those guys who feels love through physical touch. My wife and I have been have been having a tough time lately and our touch has been very routine. Tonight while watching a movie I went and got some lotion and demanded she let me massage her feet. At first I was just happy I was doing something nice for her and she was allowing it without much fuss. Soon though that changed. See I have massaged her feet many times. Mostly hoping for a thank you or even better yet some lovin. Tonight though I was so thankful she was my wife I began to think and notice how petite and pretty her feet are. Her feet are very lovely and after ten years I was just noticing this. I spent close to an hour on her feet, toes, and ankles. It was very loving for me. I would recommend this to all guys. The next time you get the honor to message your mates feet don't just rub away. Explore every inch. Love her feet. You might like and she might not thank you this time or the next. She will eventually.

The years after that

After a very ruff start my wife and I got a little better at being married. I still lied, and still had my addictions, but more time passed between incidents. I was slowly breaking my addictions. Each time I would revert to the old husband ways it would hurt my wife so much. I was so hurtful to her and very disrespectful. What I did not know or understand was that I was loosing credibility with her each time I relapsed. After a while the housing crisis began and we were one of the first to lose our house. We should have never been a loud to get a loan in the first place. My wife did what came naturally and went home. I tried to hang in there to patch it up, but I was soon missing her so badly I just had to leave. I quit my job packed my stuff and went after her. We were about to start life over. Through all this I did not know my wives level of love for me or if she loved me at all. She hung in there with me and I often wonder if she did so more out of habit than for love. We lived with my parents for a while and paid off debt. Then we made our next major mistake. We bought a cheap house that would never sell and tried to put the pieces back together. Flash forward to present date. My wife has an awesome job. I have a lame job, but hope to get a much better job real soon. Were still in the house from hell. And we have two beautiful kids. Only problem is my wives new job maybe advanced her mind way beyond mine and has set her down a different path than me. She works with high tech people who are trendy and very cool and she looks up to them and is impressed with them. I'm not very impressive anymore and am pretty much lame to her. Were still together. No papers yet. I intend to have her love me again. I hope she can find new love for me greater than the first. From here on I will forget the past and focus on the our future marriage.

A really bad start.

My marriage started like most. No money, lots of goals, and lots of love. I was in the Navy at the time and we did a quick court house wedding. Cheap and regretful. She deserved a nice wedding. She never complained about it. Our honeymoon was a quick weekend and we really did nothing. This started us off on a path of never doing anything. I felt very comfortable never going anywhere or doing anything. My wife however wanted to see things and go places and experience life. So I held her back and took her chance of having fun away. We quickly got into a work rest pattern and life passed on. My wife at first saw me as her Knight and shinning armor and I could do no wrong. To her credit she worked hard cleaning and trying to make our home a home. Very quickly though I ruined our marriage. See I had an addiction to porn. I would stay up late searching porn sites while she slept. I wanted sex all the time and my wife was not a sex all the time girl. Can't blame her there. It wasn't long before she caught me. This hurt her beyond belief. She felt like she could not compare to that porn I looked at. I did not realize it then, but after lieing getting caught, lieing some more and getting caught more I had destroyed her trust in me and ruined our intimate relationship. My wife hung in there with me hoping I would be the man she thought she married. A few years down the road she had an affair. I'm certain today that it was all my fault and that I put her in that situation. I did not show love, attention, and my actions made everything worse. Another guy came a long and showed interest, excitement, and a way to have fun. How could I possibly fix my mess?

The end is near, what can I do?

Ive been married ten years. I have a beautiful wife that I don't deserve. Together we have a little boy and girl who are the sweetest of the sweetest. This blog is a way for me to talk out loud about my marriage and how it started great, went really bad, got better, but now it seems I'm done for. My wife is not out the door yet, probably only because of the kids. Since she is still living with me I've decided to try like crazy to earn her love back. This may be an impossible love to build again, but I just know I have to try. You see I love my wife. I have made every mistake a guy could make. I took her for granted. I lied to her. I had an addiction to pornography that crushed her and made her feel like she was inadequate. I played stupid video games. I robbed her of the wonderful young marriage before kids that she should have had. I don't deserve her back as you can see. Although I seem terrible
I do have a few good qualities. Not many though. I am a decent dad and try very hard. At times I can be a very good husband. I just need to be that knight in shining armor all the time. So I'm going to get up and go after her. I'm going to love her and try to understand her. First off I have to learn to listen correctly, then I need to learn to respect her. I also need to kill some habits and reduce other time away from family. I want to learn what makes her tick and what makes her happy. I'm going to build a tool set to steal her back. shhhhh. keep this between us. I'll write here daily for my own needs and maybe some other people might find it interesting. So deal the cards, I'm in.